i hate myself for this

gosh, i almost wasted an opportunity to have what i want the most today.

in a few hours, an open window for the heaven will be completely closed for this year.

yup. the 2011 DV visa, or free green card by 0.5 to 1% of chance.

i was so close to miss. being kicked out from the entry website so many times. anger to myself for no processing the job as soon as i checked the opening period.

really. i'm bad.

project: making a place home

after writing the previous entry, i thought i'd TRY to make this place home. (i'd never tried this. it's been always a natural process.) help me! please.

what make your place home for you?
why do you feel home at your place?

to start off with this, i think i'd buy the fish :)

feeling of coming back home

on the way back from two days get away in Izu where i met up with my parents and aunt, i felt like i was going down to a dark deep ocean. definitely not a feeling of coming home.

wherever i lived so far, i always grew attachments to places and felt being home. except this city, tokyo. is it me? or this city is just ugly? or both?

i even felt being home in wisconsin after spending holidays in japan. levels of attachment had varied, but it was always there. but not here somehow. and living in a place where i don't feel home is a new thing.

what makes a place home? parents? comfy bed? things you are used to. i guess i don't have any of that in tokyo. i need a place where i feel home.

what if there is a time limit for staying together...

i remember kirsten had a fish called betta, a tropical fighting fish.
"it never dies," kirsten said. this fish is said to be livable in a glass cup without an air pump. not so difficult to take care of. just have to be separated from one another, otherwise, it will fight till the other dies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siamese_fighting_fish

i am so tempted to buy one. looks pretty and low maintenance. how convenient.
i looked up info, how to take care, fish tank, equipment etc. and was all ready to go and buy them all with a fish.

this question popped in my head.

"how long would it live?"
the answer was 1 to 3 years.

the idea of having something waiting at home is definitely coming from loneliness i am feeling these days. an attachment for him would occur for sure.

would i be okay when it's gone? would i start something which would possibly be gone for sure in such a short time?

it's just a fish. well, but it is something that has a heart that beats. i would think about it tonight.

a book by obama

from a small chat with a friend, i ended up buying a book Dreams from My Father by obama.

we were talking about using drug is such a big deal in japan (a friend had been in canada and recently returned), but i haven't heard any medium mentioning about obama's drug use in his youth. it is a well known fact in the rest of the world (i think) that he admitted that he has tried some drugs before in his book.

talk show hosts, commentators, politicians, etc. who is making a HUGE deal out of others' drug use, and making comments like, "she is over with her life." i want to say, "hey, did you know the president of the United States has smoked marijuana and inhaled cocaine."

i knew of the book, but i haven't read so i purchased via amazon japan. ($5 for a paperback. came in 2 days with free shipping! yay)

i must say his charm helped a lot to motivate me to start his book. a memoir by a politician won't attract me usually. so far i like it.

a woman who touches her face so much

on the way back on subway, a woman sat next to me.

she touched her own face so much. as she hold and read a newspaper with her left hand, her right hand was just moving all over her face, chin, nose, cheek, chin again, flipped a page, chin, nose, eyes... oh gosh. it bothered me so much.

learn from a bad example. i would like to be a fair lady.

i have friends. just not here.

i had my birthday on sunday.
the followings are stats which show where i call home very clearly.

presents in mail:
3 from the u.s.
1 from japan

messages via internet:
over 20 (too lazy to count) from the u.s.
over 10 (again too lazy to count) from other countries.
2 from japan

phone:
1 from my mother
1 from my sister

i wanna be home.
my homesick is chronic.
can't figure out how to get over.
i don't like this. at all.

just for you :)

i got an e-mail from kristin a moment ago, and she said she misses my blog entries.

can't believe that it has been a month since the last time i wrote something here.
now i have two jobs :) financially i am not satisfied, but it has to be started somewhere.

job #1: editorial assistant at a newswire company (japanese version of Associated Press)
the dept i work at handles japanese politics. good for a person like myself who has no clue about japanese politics. a group of us, 4 assistants, help editors, and this job requires ability to read aloud japanese vocabs. good for me :)

job #2: chat host at a cafe
if the cups of tea i have at the cafe was glasses of wine or beer, i would be a hostess/companion :) i sit with a group of japanese people (many of them are businessmen) who are dying to speak or willing to improve their english skill. many of them speak with super heavy accents without hesitance. and when they find out that i was born and raised in japan, (yes, they won't notice until i mention my name.) they say "ohh! you have a perfect accent!!" yes, for them, i am perfect :) i sound a bit cocky here, but i will tell you why in a different entry. i will tell you more about the people i meet at this work. this is horribly paid job, but i am enjoying observing weirdos, interesting, and strange people.

and once a while, i do photo gigs. for events and a magazine.

so i don't have much time to socialize since i started this lifestyle. well for now, without having friends like i had in ny, this is a good way to kill my time here. when i have time, i want to rest.

i am feeling good to write here. i shall do it more often.
kristin, thanks for reminding me :)